


Ferns of Improbable Size

by Loslote



Series: Waiter, Waiter - There's a Fern in my Soup [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - No Hale Fire, F/M, First Dates, Fluff, Fluff all the way down, M/M, improbably large ferns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 03:16:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2492453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loslote/pseuds/Loslote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Derek's first dates went very poorly, and one time it went very, very well</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ferns of Improbable Size

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my beta, bottlecapmermaid!

Derek Hale was not known for his spontaneity when it came to romance, and for good reason. He was not the sort of person to woo someone with a boombox outside a window or strew rose petals all over a bedroom or recite poetry under the light of the full moon. This isn’t to say that Derek wasn’t romantic - just, maybe, a little repetitive. Whenever he took someone out on a date, he’d take them to L'Enorme Secchione - the Italian place off Main Street that, despite being fancy enough to impress his fellow high schoolers, was not fancy enough to break his wallet in the process. He’d make reservations for Fridays at seven and ask to be seated at the booth in the back that was partially hidden by the improbably large fern. His first-date fallback was not pathetic or boring, despite what his sisters said. It was practical, and made for a perfectly good date, and just because he’d never had a second date didn’t mean he should change things up.

And it had nothing to do with the cute waiter who worked that section Friday evenings. Nothing at all.

5 - Paige

Derek was still a little surprised Paige had agreed to go out with him - he’d been crushing on her off and on ever since she chewed him out for interrupting her cello practice in middle school. By the time his calzone and her ravioli arrived, however, Derek was starting to think maybe this crush should have stayed in middle school. Paige wasn’t awful, sure. She wasn’t uninteresting. She wasn’t obnoxious. She certainly wasn’t vapid. She was completely his type, from her hair to the way she dripped disdain when she was mad. But, somehow, Derek just couldn’t bring himself to give her his full attention. The conversation limped along awkwardly, both of them trying not to step on each others' toes, and he looked up in relief when the usual Friday waiter, Stiles, rounded the fern - swatting aside fronds with experience born of many disastrous encounters - and cheerfully delivered the perfect excuse to not talk. 

As Paige dove into her ravioli with the eagerness born out of a truly uncomfortable date, Stiles met Derek’s eyes with a sympathetic grimace. Derek shrugged his shoulders a little in return. Stiles flapped his hands in a motion Derek only recognized as meaning something along the lines of “eh, you’ll get ‘em next time” from far, far too much past experience. He nodded a little wistfully as Stiles smiled encouragingly at him and fought his way back out through the fern.

4 - Kate

Derek hadn’t actually asked Kate Argent on a date, and he was currently kicking himself for having been too stunned when she’d walked up and informed him that he was taking her out to dinner to argue. She was carrying the entire conversation herself, and leaning over the table to aggressively shove her barely-covered breasts in his face. If Derek slumped any further under the table, he might be able to use the fern to cover his escape.

Thankfully, Stiles fought his way past that very same fern right that second to deposit Kate’s grilled-not-fried eggplant parmesan-but-hold-the-parmesan in front of her, forcing her to sit back in her seat with a huff and a glare. Stiles handed Derek his gnocci with an incredulous raised eyebrow. 

“Get me out of here,” Derek whispered frantically while leaning over so that Stiles was blocking Kate’s view of him.

Stiles patted him on the shoulder consolingly. “I wouldn’t go up against her for a month’s worth of tips,” he murmured, shaking his head. “Have fun, though.”

“No, wait, Stiles!” Derek watched, glumly, as Stiles disappeared back into the fern, leaving him alone with Kate’s predatory smile.

3 - Danny

Derek had known he wasn’t completely straight since second grade, when he and Colin from Music Class decided they were going to get married and have babies at recess. Colin had known that you had to have a ring to get married, so he’d tied his shoelace around Derek’s pointer finger (he’d triple knotted it, just in case, and also a little bit to show off that he’d learned how to triple knot last weekend). When Derek had washed his hands after coming in from recess, the shoelace had shrunk in the hot water, and Derek had sobbed hysterically at the prospect of his brand-new marriage already coming to an end while the teacher tried to untie the knot, his finger turning redder and redder (and, eventually, kind of purple). The teacher had ended up sawing the shoelace off with kiddie-proof scissors, and Derek and Colin mournfully gazed at each other from across the room, mutually acknowledging the impossibility of carrying on a marriage in the face of such adversity.

Of course, Derek’s parents had been informed, and Laura had somehow found out, and Derek never heard the end of it. Laura (and Cora, when she was old enough) retold the story whenever the opportunity presented itself, even when they had to force disobliging opportunity to show up already. Literally everyone who had ever met any of Derek’s family or friends knew that Derek was not, in fact, straight. It was one of the first things you learned about him - Derek was the star of the basketball team, he lived out in the kind of creepy Hale House in the Preserve, and he’d tried to get gay married when he was seven but almost lost his finger to a shoelace. Derek had had to wage a determined war in eighth grade to adjust that label to bi - his eternal crush on Paige helped with that, at least.

So, everyone knew Derek was bi. He was as out as a high schooler could get. And yet, somehow, Danny was the first guy since Colin Derek had ever gone on a date with. 

It may have been too soon. The trauma of the shoelace divorce was probably the reason the date was going so poorly - or at least that’s what Derek was going to blame it on. In reality, he and Danny just had little to nothing in common. He had thought, since Danny and he were both jocks and on the more intelligent side of the school population, that they would have gotten along swimmingly. But it turns out lacrosse and basketball are really nothing alike, and even their flavors of nerd were incompatible - Danny and his programming saw little value in Derek’s fascination with history, and Derek couldn’t even begin to understand the technical terms Danny threw out like candy. Apart from an appreciative once-over on Danny’s part at the beginning of the evening, the whole date had been uncomfortable and stilted.

Derek forced a laugh at one of Danny’s incomprehensible hacker jokes and wished Stiles would show up already.

For the food, of course.

2 - Jennifer

Derek had had such high hopes for his date with Jennifer. They’d had a really interesting conversation about Conrad’s Heart of Darkness during lunch just the other day, Derek had been sure their date would go smoothly. And, to be fair, the first few minutes had gone great. They’d been so wrapped up in talking about George Orwell’s depictions of modern governments in Animal Farm and 1984 that they hadn’t noticed Stiles waiting to take their orders until he’d coughed lightly, grinning and making subtle thumbs up to Derek behind Jennifer’s back. Derek had blushed and ordered the lasagna. Jennifer had ordered the risotto. That was where it all went wrong.

“So, Derek, what do you want to do after graduation?” Jennifer asked.

“Oh, I’m not sure. I love history, but I’m torn between that and architecture,” Derek said.

“Architecture?” Jennifer asked, looking taken aback.

“Yeah, I think designing structures is really interesting,” Derek said.

Jennifer wrinkled her nose. “I definitely saw you in a more intellectual pursuit. You should study history. That’s much less...blue collar.”

Derek paused for a moment. “What’s wrong with blue collar?”

“I mean, nothing really,” Jennifer sighed, “but you might as well be a construction worker or work in a restaurant. You’re much better than that, Derek.”

Derek glared at her. “I do work as a construction worker over the summers,” he snapped. “I happen to enjoy it. And there’s nothing wrong with working in a restaurant. It’s hard work and pays terribly, and they have to deal with stuck-up idiots like you who look down on them because you assume they’re not “intellectual” enough. Just for that, I think I will go into architecture after all. Thanks for that,” he spat at her. Jennifer reared back, gasping in offense. Derek sat back and crossed his arms across his chest, glaring at her until she grabbed her bag and scrambled out of the booth, wrestled her way past the fern, and stormed out of the restaurant. Stiles met Derek’s eyes across the restaurant, raised a thumb, and then turned it upside down while sticking out his tongue. Derek smiled a little and slumped back into the booth.

1 - Braeden

Braeden was the best date Derek had ever had. They chatted easily and engagingly about their mutual friends for the first few minutes before Stiles showed up to take their orders, and when Braeden asked Derek what he wanted to do with his life, Derek answered “architecture” firmly and a little defensively, only for her to respond with a simple, “cool”. Barring unexpected and unpleasant surprises, Derek was hopeful this might be the date that actually led to a relationship.

But, of course, it was not to be. As soon as they had ordered, Braeden withdrew from the conversation completely. Suddenly, everything Derek said made her either laugh - and not in the good way, where she thought Derek was funny, but in the way that made it clear she thought the date itself was the funniest joke she’d ever seen - or sigh in pity, and shake her head at him as though he were a child. At the end of the night, Braeden insisted on going Dutch, informing him that while she was interested in being his friend, it wasn’t a good idea to treat this as a date when it was clear that he was still hung up on his friend, and that he knew the whole school would be supportive if he decided to date him, right? Then she gave him the most platonic hug he’d ever had and walked out.

Derek slumped in despair. He knew everyone had known about the shoelace incident, but he couldn’t believe people thought he was still in love with Colin. Hell, Colin had moved to Colorado in fourth grade and Derek hadn’t seen him since - why would Braeden think Derek was hung up on him?

Derek buried his head in his hands, and completely missed Braeden stopping Stiles with a hand on his shoulder.

“You’d better treat him well,” Braeden warned, “because you’ve got a great guy there, and he’s got a lot of friends who won’t take kindly to you hurting him.”

She walked away, leaving a stunned Stiles behind her, glancing between her retreating back and where Derek sat slumped in the booth. A grin spread slowly across his face.

“Hell yeah I’ll treat him well,” Stiles mumbled to himself, beaming.

“Stilinski! Table three!” yelled his manager.

+1 - Stiles 

Derek had never really gone on a blind date before, but Laura hadn’t really given him a lot of choice. And, anyway, it wasn’t like normal dates had gone well, so might as well give it a shot. So, here he sat, at his usual table, waiting for his date who was - ten minutes late. Great. This was clearly going to go just as terribly as every other date he’d ever been on. Derek sighed and leaned back against the booth, closing his eyes in resignation.

“Derek, hi!” Stiles said, flailing his way through the fern.

“Hey, Stiles,” Derek sighed. “Give me a few more minutes, my date hasn’t shown up yet.”

“Oh, no, that’s…” Stiles trailed off as he plopped down in the booth. “Hi.”

“Gonna keep me company while I wait?” Derek asked with a tiny smile. “Won’t your boss mind?”

“Oh, no, I’m not working now,” Stiles said. “That’s actually - ”

“Oh, you’re on break?” Derek asked. “Awesome. How long do you have?”

“No, no, I’m not on break. I’m not working tonight. Night off. Big date,” Stiles said, winking.

“Is your date late, too?” Derek asked, a sinking feeling in his stomach that he tried very hard to ignore. Stiles was allowed to have dates. It was a little odd that he’d have them at his place of employment, but to each their own - Derek couldn’t exactly judge when it came to creative dates.

Stiles looked pretty frustrated. “You are my date,” he huffed. Derek blinked.

“What?”

“You are my date,” Stiles insisted. “I know someone who knows your sister, and I had them set this up. Surprise,” he finished with limp jazz hands.

Derek’s mouth opened and closed a bit. He wasn’t sure why. He wouldn’t have known what to say even if he could manage to work out how to say anything in the first place.

“Is this...weird?” Stiles asked, cringing. “This is probably super weird. I don’t know, I just thought...I like you, kinda, and I’d like to get to know you more, and it seems like you might maybe like me, too, so - ”

Derek interrupted. “No, no, this is totally fine. Good! This is...nice,” he finished weakly. 

“Yeah?” Stiles asked.

“Yeah,” Derek said. “Yeah.” He smiled. “I always said this booth was lucky. Guess I finally figured out why.”

“Is it the fern?” Stiles asked with a tiny ~~adorable~~ snort.

“Nah,” Derek said, “If I had to put money on it, I’d say it was the waiter.”

Stiles blushed. So did Derek. It was the best date Derek had ever had, which admittedly wasn’t saying much - but it really was a fantastic date.

The next one was even better.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, guys - hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
